I'm officially tired of the mundane relationships I choose to entertain with people who don't deserve my time. I've spent 8 months on various people who can't make up their mind about anything, can't commit, can't can't can't. I'm sick of making excuses for other people's actions. I think it's time to find someone worth keeping around. When it comes down to it, I think I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever. What scares me the most is that I have no idea why I would deserve that, at all. Why I can look around me and see the most obnoxious, insanely bitchy girls with boyfriends but I'm not that way at all and what does that mean for me? Honestly, the fact that I'm even admitting this to myself makes me feel a little nauseous. I need something to change.

There are so many profanities I want to throw in your face in a fit of rage. So many things I want you to see but know you never will.

Every time I meet someone who swears they can never trust again because one person betrayed that trust, I curse myself. I am convinced that these people are the worst kind. There is nothing worse than a person who swears he cannot trust, because it is almost certain that he will act untrustworthy.
So what if you don't think you can trust me? You can. Shouldn't I have a say in this, too? While you're busy not trusting me, your demeanor is breaking me into tiny fragments of who I want to be with you. If you want to believe in someone, you can't push them away forever. You're going to be alone forever. I don't want to think the same of myself.

Let me in. Let me in. Let me in.

I looked at you and you looked back at me, with that look you always have and I always want to tell you about but never do.

It seems that there are so many things I want to say to you, but you render me speechless every time. You are beautiful in so many imperfect ways.

I'm not a crier. I don't cry about feelings. Not mine, anyway. I cry over every movie ever made, over the tears of others, over frustrations.

But you know those days when you feel like you could put on the saddest music you can possibly think of and drown yourself in self-pity and pathetic (and probably fabricated) misery?
Yeah, me too.

I think I'm ready to belong to someone. It feels nice to be ready, but it will feel nicer when I meet him.

Things I need to learn how to do:
-breathe
-forget
-accept
-proceed


but most of all, I need to remember how to cry. Is it really possible to forget how to feel? And why am I blocking it out?

I'm afraid of you, because you make me feel safe but I'm not convinced that I actually am.